x newest x older x profile x notes x kelly x poems x diaryland x
8:47 p.m. 2004-10-20

Reading those words you wrote with so much passion leaves me faulty and broken and these eyes burn with the taint of tears that cringed like acid under the glare of those flourescent lights. Like shivering children bundled up in their jackets we are so helpless and your eyes always seemed sincere. And he said i can't find my favorite color unless i'm looking into you eyes. And the truth is i miss you. The truth is maybe you've broken this habitual ritual of needing you. Say what you will, if i never get to hold your hand sitting on the bus halfway past midnight on a cold winters night i'll be missing out. If i can never draw hearts on the fogged out windows of an idling car, i'll never feel whole. Or maybe i'll be just fine and we'll learn to forget and "just pretend that everything between you and me was never meant" Because you're sitting on his front porch, wrapping your hands around your knees and wondering why his eyes are so beautiful. So maybe i should burn all the letters but the pictures you drew are too beautiful to erase. And your heart was stained in ink on the pages and why do i have to love you after you broke my heart? We decided to see what happened when summer ends, we ended too, with the changing of the leaves you said goodbye and in perfect harmony the wind whipped through empty branches and whispered your last words through the trees to me as i sat in swirls of gold waiting for the end. It would just be best if i destroyed everything that was so close to you, the diaries the photographs, the cd... all of it but i can't let you go quite yet. Maybe you'll want them back. Maybe we'll both just let it go and forget what could have happened and what it means to say forever.
Light sings through in remembrance of the morning. The purity of these white shades is a reason to get out of bed. And i miss you. Standing at this window i want to whisper in your ear and tell you that trust is a gift and i want to give you everything. And i want you to smile, the way you do with those dark eyes glistening and so alive. I want you to smile and say "i'll be there in your soul" as you fade away, just a memory sweet, haunting my good mornings. And as you slip through me i'll remember the nights we spent sitting above cities, with simple words and the way your hair looked in the wind. Outside my window the golden sun is frozen in a blue sky casting shadow over fields of snow. This purity is a memory of a time before, standing at my window i can almost remember what it was like to be in love, what it was to be alive. And as the sun dips behind these clouds i'll think of you and waste another day dreaming
You are not the only thing on my mind, you are not the determination of a pastlie reclusive boy sitting behind screens and tied to these wires. You are not my shadow; because with you i was alone. Forget the words we used to say forget our eternity we'd dreamed up because you're not picturing a house on a hill and i'm imagining someone else laughing next to me.
These long walks can crush you can't you feel the pavement stealing your soul. Sky above but below i am nothing and nothing i'll stay until you validate me and until you say that i tonight i can stay i'll be outside your door singing to the stars and forgetting who i am. In lucidity these steps are meaningless and the journey is a step towards suicide and my arms bleed on the night he said i was there. Do you think of me when you're laughing, his arms wrapped around you? You're on the other side of the world and i'm wondering, do you still see me? You said you did once, just as i am now and i was just thinking that it would be nice to know that you care. Because lately it seems that so many people are so scared to say anything to make me stay. I'm so scared to call for fear that no one will answer. And if you say hello what do i say then?
WHere do we go from here?

back & forth
words @ jake, layout @ kelly