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5:33 p.m. 2004-09-22

I'd rather die than continue this systemic cycle of lies. I can't pretend to be someone so strong and i can't pretend that it doesn't hurt to walk these streets alone. And i can't admit to myself that i deserve all of this because somewhere deep inside maybe there's still some pride and maybe its killing me... and maybe no one knows. Behind these facades of self hatred am i really so useless... is the lie my loathing or is the lie every time i say i'm fine. Because i know that i'm not ok i know i can't do this forever. And i know that i'm so stupid and i know that everything is an inevitable collapse that will leave me breathless on the balcony. Did you know that i was so fragile and like a sheen of tears drifting over porcelain this pain is evidence of a perfect stain that has wiped out everything except this face that will never go away. Light these fires and cast a shadow in this small room because our birth was nothing short of a miracle that we've all taken for granted. Set a match to this masterpiece. SOmetime last month you made it clear that you were my best bet and the only thing that could ever mean anything. These guitars are our voices that speak from our souls and in simplicity the complexity of the human condition is liquid clear as amber drips from your eyes in perfect tears that are divine in their ambigious beauty. Is it tragedy or jubulence that has wrought this change in you? In the crooning sound of a lover's whisper we are brought to our knees in naked sincerity and this becomes something too deep to truly understand. Dredging these caves and coming up with photographs and fragmented conversations i think of you and i just want to say i'm sorry. Our sorrows were reflected in her eyes on the first day we met and the weight of the world is nothing compared to the sounds of your sobs. This is a dedicated goodbye to the boy you were making me into and a tearful farewell to the girl i loved. And you'll see there's one last gift for you when it becomes clear that we never needed anything.

Upon waking to this misty morning the fallout from misery is a wracking sorrow lurking directly past this window. Its a constant choice to embrace this or shut off the emotions like she claimed i could never do. And its a choice to learn or dry up and in retrospect it all seems clear but i'm constantly faced with the pain of letting go. And i'm trying to learn to make the right decisions but if i become a ghost outside your window can you promise that you'll have kind words to say to me? Sometimes this all feels like such a waste of time but its living and these black dresses hanging in the closet seem lithe and ripe with tragedy waiting to make us smile and force us to grow up. History is full of childish dreams of conquest and there's no question of your desire for expansion but maybe this time they'll see that its time to become one and stop fighting the changes that will ultimately bring the stubborn to ruin. But its rewritten time and time again to suit the beliefs of the one with the conviction and the free time to alter history and your swords were melted down to nothing while i'm sitting here writing the words that will change the world's perception of you. Forgive me if this makes everything complicated but its not as difficult as so many of us have spent so long making it out to be because I can't care about anything so long as you're here haunting me with a beautiful face and a knife hidden in your perfect white dress. This fountain of wisdom is boiling over and no one here has the sight to see pain and revulsion for learning and time and time again i failed to be true to myself when i chose to be true to all of you. So forget all the promises we made in mutual delusion and stop holding on to the frame in hopes of recreating the picture for just an instant. We were born like this but we don't have to die this way and to pretend otherwise would be a betrayal to everyone who gave you a chance to grow. And maybe tonight the pain is making me optimistic but in admitting that i'm weak and breaking i can't seem to stop... And he's singing these words in a quiet tone of breaking hearts and its an echo of who i am and who i was and maybe who i will be based on the nights that follow in and endless tirade of high morales and unfocused headlights that all boil down to the thoughts in my head that are clouded by doubt, smoke and the inspirational ache of heartbreak... isn't this beautiful?

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words @ jake, layout @ kelly