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9:03 a.m. 2003-12-22

A few day vacation from the world of the living and all i need is to reclusively hide from you sitting amongst all of you. You don't mean a thing to me now any of you and if i ignore you its only because its a waste of my time to answer. Except for you, there's legitimate anger here, and with good reason so i'm not going to let it slide, i'll smile at you but only to show that you can't break me, you can't break US. But the reality is that although you're my father... i don't love you anymore. You don't mean a thing to me. I'll use you and i'll pretend to be a good son, most of the time, but this will never be the same.

Actions have consequences... just wait and see what will happen because of how you treated me.

That's all about my family by the way so none of you worry.

And you're right beautiful girl, you always are i suppose. I will be happy because we still are. But i don't regret the tears, not a single one. BEcause they showed me that this is real and in a way freed me from this, crying with you was an ethereal experience and they tears i shed afterwards were for their benefit; as well as an homage to my love for you.

"Maybe then we'll last a million years or more or more or more"

I'm going to have to buy a new copy of that cd, because the words remind me so strongly of you now and every time i even think about Guster i see you and i singing. Yesterday i was in the car from 7 30 till 12 30 the next morning. All i had was my music, your journal and a million happy memories that will never, ever leave me.

I think though, that's i've chosen my new persona for this place that i'm going too, the new lie to show the world. And it won't be a lie, as always it will just be a different aspect of my personality. I'm going to let myself withdraw into memories of all of you and just pretend that they're the only world that matters. I'll make friends and everything i suppose, but when i get home i'll talk to you and that will be my reality. I hope you don't mind that.

Talking to you guys on the phone yesterday brought this into reality and proved to me that this isn't the end even though i'd said it a million times before. This is just a sidebar in my life, a subplot to occupy the time until we can do whatever we want with our lives.

"she sang...."

Your voices will be my lifeline and we'll last forever. Right? You have to know that i'm right.

back & forth

words @ jake, layout @ kelly