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11:22 p.m. 2005-09-18

And I've got a large group of friends who want to be around me, but the problem is they don't know who i am not really... they arne't people that I can really express myself around, for better or for worse. And that's that, they aren't enough to keep me here.
I've tried to find people here who would make me want to stay, people who could be engaging and challenging and would force me to grow. But I can't, I stagnate. The first one, she led me on, and sure maybe those feelings were real for a while, but reallyk you know all along how it would turn out. And you wouldnt take me as a lover and you wouldn't let me stay your friend and now I hardly know you.
And the second, the one that still bothers me. you... I don't think that I am blind and I know i'm no fool and that i have an eye for people. But you tell me I don't know what I'm talking about and that you never had any feelings for me. And you say you want me as a friend, but you don't, you don't care you don't need or want me in your life, I am just an aquaintance and nothing more. Or maybe you're just scared. It doesn't matter, you hurt me with the words you spin in dishonesty and I hate second guessing you and it really doesn't matter anymore, because if you aren't brave enough to tell me the truth, good or bad, then what can i do? I'm tired of bleeding for a friend who refuses to let me in.
And I see repeats, in everyone i meet. They lie and they jump around and what is it in me that makes you run and hide? I don't know but its too much to handle sometimes and when i tell you i don't know where i'm going its only because no one understands the afterlife.
Its strange... I've given up on hiding my feelings and i've become an honest person, and i've tried to be compassionate and understanding. But its in no way bettered my situation. I thought that was 'growing as a person.' All i've gained from it are a series of scars lining my arms. I've lived here for almost two years and I have no bonds no ties, just wounds. And the connections that existed in other places wilt and wither under the strain.
This place is killing me and I don't know if I can or want to fight it much longer.
Pardon my despair but we all deserve self-expression, even when its pathetic and whiny

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