x newest x older x profile x notes x kelly x poems x diaryland x
12:23 a.m. 2005-04-02

lifted over mountains in the moments after. Hidden by the grace of the angels and the way your white dress spreads itself over the shadows. A moon reflecting on the water in purest silver as you dance along the docks sometime past midnight, and you're dancing just for me. And at this moment you are faceless and you are the faces of all the possibilities and the past contorts our future in glimpses out your rearview as you drive away. And the only thing wrong with this is that I invented the moment. I have created this image of perfection out of something so imperfect. Promise me that someday we'll have that. This collage hanging from my wall is not for real but the way you dance when no one is looking is the inspiration.
On to other things....
To be honest I don't believe that she means anything, she is a figure who struck a pose that made me wonder, nothing more. Not tonight. She is the last ember of a fire we left for dead out in the woods behind your house. "and i can almost taste the water as its running down my chin, and I can almost taste the water...." This pretty girl is a reaction, because sometimes I hate the way it feels to know that the both of you would choose me second... or third. Conjugation of phrase and the coinage of something beautiful. I just want someone to tell me that i'm at the top of the list. And in knowing that the two of you cannot grant me that, this is my wandering eye roving elsewhere. But really I never wanted this.
In the early morning the sun will hit your windows perfectly, alighting on your face with ease and tenderness. The contours and the lines, this skin that stirs souls and captivates my waking eyes, the pale strands of sunlight will show me the peace of your heart. And your eyes will open giving birth to that smile that is so damn mesmerizing and I'll die in your bed knowing that nothing will ever come close to reaching this again. Your hair will be covering the pillow and you'll whisper those words and you'll go back to sleep. And I'll roll out of bed and make the walk home submerged in the realization that this is everything I wanted.
Tonight you are dead. Your letter was left on the table and the words tumbled forth in a script that wept the tears your eyes never could. Regardless of the tones in your voice and the timbre echoing across the line you are nothing more than a ghost, a reflection. And I want you to fade away, I want you to stop haunting me and letting me think about you. I don't want you gone but I will promise you that this will burn away in the midnight flames and the rememberance of all the things we'd like to forget. In short I promise not to let you have any power over me after tonight. I will not fall in love with a ghost.
The car window was the muse as you sat gazing out as if the landscape could provide inspiration. And now we're sitting here, eyes up to the sky. Can you see the shapes, the possibilities? Can you see heaven as the grass caresses your back and the sides of your face. Where the ground meets the sky we'll find something perfect and from way up here its just you and me and the search. Up here its impossible to wonder and its impossible to worry about the dreads of tomorrow. Up in the clouds with you I can imagine a world made perfect.
In your eyes I see something that we both regret. And why do you have to say things like that? Tonight sitting at this computer I know how I feel about everyone but you. Dear God I wish this was easier and you know what? I wish that you were like her. Because at least I can feel like she's happy with him and that I'm not leaving something behind. With you... I just don't know. I don't know how you feel and why you're so damn scared and why this is all so hard. I cannot get this straight not without you next to me to figure things out. But at the same time things aren't as simple as all of that and you're tangled up so tight that until you're free I can't get near you. And the web may be exactly what you wanted, right? Because like I said i'll never be at the top of the list and this isn't me complaining. I held you close and drove you into his arms and if you're happy there then all can be finished. But you have to say those things. Do you see what I'm trying to say?
Tonight we'll riddle our reality with illusion and wandering and across the sky there is nothing but what we hope for. When you die the clouds will part and something will happen. Something

back & forth
words @ jake, layout @ kelly