These letters to all o fyou
9:51 p.m. 2005-02-05
So this is how its going to be.
Tonight no beauty no cryptic prose nothing but the truth because i want you all to see how it is.
We are over. I will not hope that tomorrow things will be better. I will not wish that you would tell me it would all be ok. I promise i won't picture you in his arms or in his bed. You are living the life that makes you happy and it can no longer be a concern of mine. Maybe I'll hurt you, but she was right and i need to focus on myself and not you. (i'm looking at the keyboard and its funny, youre first and last initials are right between my middle ones.) As far as i can see we are over over forever and you saying anything won't make that change. I won't try to hurt you but i will no longer live in fear of breaking your heart at the expense of my own. Holly,this might just be goodbye.
Diane, can we manage this? I think you were right so many times before but i have no proof that you are. But you were right in saying that things are how they are, and i'll try not to lose sight of this. I won't pine away for you and i will not waste another day daydreaming, but i will not deny the esistence of this. And when things change, just tell me and we'll take it from there.
These digital pages, these are who i am. This is all of me and I will not try to pretend otherwise. If you are entranced or entertained, or perplexed, that is good. I want you to feel something reading this, but I will right it anyway. Because these are my thoughts and my creations and without this who am i? Holly, you helped create this, you showed me how and you helped it become so beautiful, but it will outlive you and me. If someday i disappear and you really care then won't you show this to the world and the ones that cared and maybe they'd see that I am not broken i am not ruined and that there was something almost beautiful about everything i have done. I have made mistakes i am not proud of the things i have done or the lives i have ruined. But at the end of the day, this is me, this is all i am and this is all i have. You can rip me apart, break my heart and leave me defenseless and alone but i will still love you because people are the most beautiful thing on Earth.
You asked me what i was proud of and i have an answer. I am proud of my views, i am proud of my faith in humanity i am proud of my perception of beauty and the changes i have made in the lives of others. I am proud to watch you all and see the things you've done and the people you will become. And someday, I promise, i will look back on the life i lived and say that i am proud of the person that I AM. I will look back at the people i loved and the people that i lost, the trusts and betrayals and the ways i've dusted myself off and kept going. I am proud of myself for continuing and not sacrificing this belief for anything. I have lived, i know this because i have hurt. I have lived and i am PROUD of it.
Holly, i will always think you are beautiful.
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