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I am the wind
10:38 p.m. 2004-11-30

Paint this picture in ignorance and lay prostrate before the beauty of those who cannot understand the bliss of euphoric misunderstanding. A static song whispering in your ears perpetuating a sense of dread as we determine through logic that our emotional pleasure is the goal of this life we profess to be meaningless. Through our struggle to hit rock bottom we are creating layers of neglect and mistrust that leaves us no room for honesty to others or ourselves.
We are searching for meaning, subliminal spiritual or carnal it doesn't matter. To create our own conclusions based on our imgaginations and our fraudulent perceptions of faith is a flawed process. One cannot create meaning, it is not possible to decide your creed. Because conviction does not breed truth and that route can only lead to self deception. We do not choose our philosophies. We evolve into them. Attempts to logically define emotion will fall apart when emotion is applied to that logic. The determination to cut out parts of our lives will end in disaster when we cannot couple that decision with emotional maturity. Designate these regulations to apply to the things we dislike about ourselves. Our souls, our feelings are all we can truly become; a disharmony between philosophy and logic and our emotions is catastrophic. Justifying emotions leaves behind a sour taste and tear stains. If you are who you want to be... if it feels right then you are everything you will ever become and serenity will overcome discontent.
However, our search for meaning can lead to a belief that through endings we create beginnings and that through cutting ourselves off from the past we can be reborn. Reincarnate, our spirits can be something lingering forever in youth. But we cannot start over. Give up give in and let yourself become. Tragic mistakes take the place of a historic embodiement of truth. I am living for tomorrow because today just feels so incomplete.
So you decided to forfeit consequence and any hope of a brighter tomorrow... all in favor of your addictions and justifications of why you live this way. You've broken hearts and concluded that it doesn't matter. You've tied your sense of contradiction to the fact that it doesn't matter.
Here I stand. I am a contradiction. My emotions are the cause and the effect of these actions. I am confused and I am hurting but I am alive. Find your solace in the taste of being alive, in the conversations shared in the dead of night, in the taste of the air. Make peace with your fragility and just try to understand that how we feel is all that matters. Do I care about people? Thinking it through leads nowhere because every conclusion i came to simply left my at odds with how i actually felt. So if i cannot hope to understand my emotions and justify them and find truth through all of it, then perhaps truth is in the way it feels to walk down lonely streets at midnight, or perhaps truth is the feeling I get with her eyes on me. Could it be possible that truth can be found in the reconcilliation of the reality of who i am? I have found that lately i cannot define my feelings by a set of principles. As i sit here thinking of all of you i wonder... could my salvation lie in the acceptance of the contradictions of how i feel?
If I were honest with you would you listen?
The promise of exultation is rising on the frost in your breath and hints of seduction flood this field of snow and cloudy dreams. Straylight coloring the skin of my fingers I am burdened with nostalgia and a hint of letting go. Can I distance myself from this? Would it all be better if it was set in stone. Through misery and mystery you are silouhetted against a backdrop of rent canvas and inconsequential dreams of delirium and holding you close. All I have is how I feel. And I am not in love. You are not all I ever wanted. I would take your words and hold them dear to my heart, treasure the letters we exchanged through sincere correspondence. The shape of your lips is fascinating in the words that spill forth but I will never kiss them. Your words are dear and your eyes are cutting through me but I do not want you. I do not want to feel you lying next to me. All I want is to know who you are when the paleness of the moon touches your cheeks and vulnerability creates a fragile beauty out of such strength. Can you see? Can you see?
Does this make things any easier?
Tantalizing, just the thought of you liquidates convictions with delusional silences and the fragrance of possibilities. However, the wiretap scars that cover this faded scrap of paper bearing your signature holds no promise of the everlasting. Can you understand? Can you understand where this has left me, naked and smiling brought forth through faith and the realization that maybe things will be ok? You are on the other end of things and maybe I love you but I am not in love.
"And i know its not to get away from me
You just need a change of scenery
So strange how everything went wrong so fast
And I hope that this confusion does not last" -in the water i am beautiful
Stretched out across oceans the water is warming my soul as i collapse on your bed after another long walk out to find you. Seething and sorrowfull when everything is spent numbness sets in and it was always your job to banish that air of nothingness haunting. But these lines fell apart and platforms of adoration and trust shattered into this cloud of hope and dust that engulfs our perceptions of the future. And the truth is maybe things will work themselves out but when the dust settles will you be there waiting for me? It was never meant to be this way but nothing is certain and I don't know how I feel.
"your words are like knives that peel my skin and pierce my soul." -like knives

"I'm trying hard to forget that cold October day when Freedom challenged Love to a fist fight. Freedom looked victorious, but no one was expecting the outcome on that baseball diamond. Love reached beneath her plaid jumper, drew out a switchblade and drove it... directly through the heart of St. Angelis..."

Draw your own conclusions but can Freedom and Love ever coexist? Maybe there's more to these simple words than you ever thought possible.
-these letters to you-

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words @ jake, layout @ kelly