12:08 a.m. 2004-11-12
So you want the truth.... my dearest apollo where should i begin....
The truth is that there is nothing here. An empty room lent to nostalgia and fractured insomnia. Pain the walls any color you like but you cannot change the reality of our situation. After all hoping for hope is not a reason to live... and i don't want to find meaning in the little things anymore. The color of the sky at midnight, the smell of her, the light reflecting off of fresh snow, the perfect shade of crimson lightly painting over my knuckles... these are the things that kept me going, the things that evoked hope. Conjurations of emotional wholeness, the ferioucity of this city is lost on me... I am so tired of trying to find my reasons on the world around me. Because its forced and lying to myself will never make it real.
Lately, there has been no solace, no catharsis in the words written or read or the glances shared. As the seasons change i can feel myself dying and every night is a cruelty, a struggle to justify. I can't justify these things to myself any longer... its time to just face the facts
My dearest... how do i tell you what i've been thinking? We are over, i can feel it in the longing that covers me at the sound of your voice and the way i can't take feeling so close to you. I think that this would never work... i can't take wanting you and knowing we aren't meant to be together and wishing it were all different. And if we could change our feelings maybe i wouldn't love you but i do and for now its not for the best. What do we do to change? Nothing you say or do can hurt me more than the simple fact of your perpetual beauty. Do you understand what i'm trying to tell you? I love you but for now, i don't want to be with you... and i hate that at the same time i want you so bad. Its just something i'm going to have to live down. The things you did to him... forgiven already, a day after because i'll forgive you anything you ever do. Honestly, i think you'll be a part of me forever. Lets just see how things turn out, in the meantime just live life knowing i care and that what you do won't change that. Maybe this is goodbye for tonight
and her face will light up the bitter night and wind caressing her hair will stir the things we'd pretended to kill. I don't want you either... because i don't care that you spend your nights in his arms and quietly profess your love to him. It doesn't matter. THat's not the part of you i want. But you are too much to too many and i am too selfish so i guess it would be best if we just kept it to a smile in the hallways. I never want to know the things you could have pulled from me or what you could have meant to me... and i don't think i ever will.
And you... maybe someday i'll find you waiting in Serraville where things will be better. but i don't think i can be what you want me to be and i don't know if i am truly who you think i am. I just feel as though you've created a happiness in your imagination and hidden it away in my heart and convinced yourself that i am the keeper of this joy you've created. Can you understand? I don't see what you see in me... i don't see anything at all and the things we've shared run far too deep for us to disagree on things like that.
I do not want to trust and i do not want to be given over to this anymore... i do not want to smile and pretend its all right. Because i could never tell you what's wrong. I don't know. Because i don't know myself and i don't want any of you to help me find out because... i am too weak to face the consequences and i am too tired to put my emotions at risk for the sake of getting to know you... a chance at happiness is too expensive and i am waiting for someone to pay the costs so i don't have to... and i hate that anyone would because i am not worth the price of admission
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