x newest x older x profile x notes x kelly x poems x diaryland x
why can't i die
12:47 a.m. 2004-11-06

I feel completely utterly helpless. There is no way to ignore this, this fucking stupid weakness and pitiful agony that is ruining me without cause. I hate that i sound so fucking self pitying but i don't know what to do. I don't feel as though there is anyone i can talk to to maybe help this, and there's no artificial form of ignorance, cutting, smoking it doesn't help. And i love everyone too much to just fucking kill myself, i hate the idea of my mother walking into my room tomorrow morning and seeing me dead, or the sound of a shot waking them to find me bloody and twitching. Because they don't deserve that, and despite the feeling that not many people would care, i don't want to hurt anyone by giving up that way. I want to die, but i don't want them to know. And i don't kow if i have the guts to end it because i'm not sure if i still have hope. But the fact is during these long nights, it seems as though too few people are willing to give their time to just understand how i'm feeling. And i just want someone to care, all i want is for someone close by to be there when i need them. I just want someone to be waiting on the other end, or someone to call me. I want someone to see that i'm on the verge of tears and on the verge of giving up, i want her to see it all and care. But she's sleeping so good night
maybe tomorrow this will be better... until tomorrow night

back & forth
words @ jake, layout @ kelly