12:10 a.m. 2004-03-17
Inspiration at the mercy of other's realizations and how hollow they seem. And i read what you wrote and realized why i gave all that up. because like you i strayed and like you i saw that it was only through something more than myself that i could find relief. Through tears and cracked voices i pled my case and gave myself over once more. And felt nothing. For one reason or another the hollow space was left unfilled.
-do we imitate what is done to us or what we desire to be done to us?-
Abandoned in the face of the ones i revered most and the one who claimed to have made me in the first place i was broken. you were returned to the fold and i was cast out, perhaps by my own choice. And the fact is faith shattered quicksilver against the liquid iron will of a transparent deity. Together we proclaimed my fate and there was some amount of mutual back turning. For a while it seemed there was nothing to live for without the core of the life i had been raised for.
Hopeless and lost we lose all respect for ourselves. And like so many i stopped caring about myself, about being happy, about being alive. But unloved i turned to love, i turned to others more deserving than myself, ones who He had not frowned upon. And i made them whole, at least for a time. I created joy. This empty vessel...
Perhaps the prerequisite of devotion to others is not being secure in the love of another. Perhaps in order to fully love others we must have nothing. The paradox of your religion runs circles around the deep broken brown of my eyes. Tears i hold inside color these windows with amber and gold and i am nothing more than this.