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6:50 p.m. 2004-01-21

Its the little ways that you hurt me that make life with all of you so unbearable. And its the way you never make an effort to console me, maybe because you don't know i'm hurting. And regardless of the fact that i hide it and that i hate showing it, the thing i've always wanted is someone who woul djust know. WOuld see the hurt running circles around me, would see it in my eyes and would feel for me. Someone who would know when i want to cry without seeing the tears or having me tell them. I want someone who... understands me. I'm sick of just closing my eyes and losing myself in all of this and wiping away the traces of tears and walking downstairs and having none of you tell the difference. I'm sick of sitting in a classroom, my eyes watering and have no one look over and understand. I'm sick of no one noticing. But i won't show you i'll never show you i'll hide it away and someday maybe you'll see right through me. Are you the one who reads me so easily, or do i have to sit here waiting. (I thought it had been in my voice so often lately)

This is what i've been for so many people, this is what i've dedicated so many years to. Giving individuals the feeling that they're hearts are being read and accepted by someone, someone who is willing to give them their undivided attention, someone to make them feel loved like even GOD can't do. Because God is so far away and love isn't completely abstract.

So tonight i'll just sit here with my tears rolling so simply off my cheek and i won't give them an inch i'll make them force themselves out. And i'll just listen to this song and revel in its beauty and hate how it lies. "You can't fake it hard enough to please anyone or everyone at all" i'm faking it hard enough to please everyone except myself... but i've never mattered have i? not to me And if you come upstairs i'll speak in a normal voice and you won't see these tracks running down my face. And if you read this pretend you didn't because i'm fine now... i'm always fine remember?

I think i've ruined you.

I want to paint my fingernails black and wear fishnet and trench coats so all you bastards will leave me alone. Because apparently me not talking won't do the trick. GOD DAMMIT

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words @ jake, layout @ kelly