9:13 p.m. 2003-11-26
"And i'm sorry for the way my eyes objectify you"
Time and time again revelations revolve and reload inside my head scattering preconcieved notions and shattering cycles of everything i thought i was. That's all that life is if u let life live you, its just a series of repititions and endless circles. But every time i breath in everything changes and i look at life a little different. I think that makes me confusing and hard to follow sometimes but its who i am and its quite possibly one of the only things i love about myself. Its not that i can't make up my mind, or that i have no core beliefs, i think its just that i'm freefalling and there are so many drafts and winds that can stir me and change my direction. She's lifting me up, they're pushing me down, her tears and her screams move me to be a different person. I don't regret the person i was then, because now i see him differently. I see him as a necessary evil and at the same time he's still my ideal.
There's something i think i understand now. You can't open yourself to some emotions and bottle up others, your feelings aren't a collection of tiny flasks with individual stoppers, they're all mixed together somewhere deep inside your soul. The person i was before understood that and so he sought to kill everything inside himself. To most of you that sounds horrible, and right now, in love and living, i wouldn't go back to that, but i think we should all realize that there are definite advantages. Mostly, i honestly didn't hurt all that, sometimes it was just too much and i'd fall apart but usually i was ok. And the thing is, when there's nothing tugging at your attention, its so easy to listen to others and give them the attention and [love] they need, and that makes you a saviour on some level, even though u'll never be able to save yourself.
The pain and depression and suicidal tendencies come when you try to hold back the things you don't like and be selective about your emotions. When you try to fall in love without letting everything else out as well, the conflict is loud and devestating. Right now i'm in a place where, for the past few months i've slowly become more open with myself and my emotions. Its hard sometimes and when i crash and burn its really difficult to keep going, but i'm beginning to understand that people care about me and that's help me get through. This point in my life is a test because i'm leaving and what i want to do is withdraw and be that cold person again, but i don't want to lose any of this. And i can't do both, because i've tried and i saw the pain it caused. I'll never do that again. And i want to change and i want to live and love and still be there for all of you. So i'm going to try and become the person i want to be and let that cold eyed saviour slip away.
I'm constantly reinventing myself.
I never want to be one of those people who completely loses their identity when they're lover leaves them. Because to me, that sounds weak and like you don't respect yourself. But at the same time i want to give myself completely to someone and i realize that if i did that and they left the same thing would probably happen to me. Just another conflict that i don't mind....