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what's wrong with me?
9:51 p.m. 2003-11-20

I thought i was changing but right now i can't see it... all i see are useless hopes, faulty dreams and a tendency to hurt myself in ways none of you understand. And i'm not going to explain. Because i don't want to i want to curl up in a corner and just stare into space and let all this wash over me. I just want to sit here and hate myself and hate everything i do and think and hate myself for breathing. And i want to sit here knowing that these tears won't flow and that i'm never going to bleed like they do because i'm smarter/stronger/more obsessed with my own pain then they are. Because i have no release. And i don't want anyone to feel sorry for me... and i don't want anyone to care because that complicates things.

you know what scares me? we have something wonderful. But for the next two years i think that all i'll do is hate myself and sit quietly and destroy myself the way i always have. And there'll be no way to crawl away from the darkness by then because i'll be so far gone that i won't want to leave and i won't want to be happy and you won't be able to save me. And i'm afraid that i'll become someone that you couldn't love because it in me to become that person/monster. That's all i'm afraid of now.

You can beat me and cut me and kick me till i cry for you to stop but you'll never do anything to me that won't be justified. Even though i can't take the pain i know i deserve it and that paradox makes my capacity for torment nearly infinite. I hate myself....

back & forth

words @ jake, layout @ kelly