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10:25 p.m. 2003-11-20

Things fade and lights go out and blood on your hands stays the same color in any light. There's nothing left to illuminate these thoughts these hopes these... impossible prophecies and the truth is like the end of time. The fact of the matter is that right now, tonight, i don't feel any different than i did months ago. And saying that, i feel like i'm letting you down. And sometimes i honestly hate this diary because its become so much a part of me, it shows you who i am like nothing ever has before and knowing that its here, knowing that i have an outlet i write again and again a steady outpour of torrential self pity and loathing and paranoid lack of hope. I've always been compassionate and forgiving but i've never expected or accepted the same qualities when they were directed at me. I can't take people telling me that its ok because it never will be not for me, i can't stand it when people try to understand because for gods sakes i can't get a handle on why i feel this way. But tonight, right now, you all feel so far away and i feel so lost so helpless so... i dont even have the words but i can feel the tears pressing to get out and i just want out. Right now, just for a little while, i'm cracking and splitting at the seams. I'm not ok. Right now i'm bleeding and I WONT CRY and i just want to scream but i cant because its late and everyone would hear. I'm here tonight alone and i've never been so cut off. And i'm not strong but i'm holding on for all im worth. The only trouble is i think i'm holding onto the wrong thing, i'm holding onto something that will never make me feel any better. I'm on the verge of suicide and a sick dark part of me loves teetering here on the brink. Unless someone pushes me i'll never fall, i don't think i would even if they did, because i'm addicted to this pain. Just like you're addicted to watching your blood spill. The difference between us is that my addiction isn't total anymore. There's a part of me that wants out that wants all this to end. I just want to be numb again like i was before, cold and feeling so much pain from so many people that i couldn't feel a thing and being constantly warmed by the tiny flame inside kept alive by knowing i was saving people. But all that's gone and my defences have been stripped away by the eyes of a girl and i'm out in the rain again, naked. Except this time, the rain is cutting me and every wound bleeds teardrop rainbows. I hadn't listend to Taking Back Sunday in weeks but i'm here again listening to them and its like brand new. I'm not sure what that means but its so damn beautiful all over again. These grass stains on my knees won't mean a thing. You want to know the honest truth. Right now there are just so many emotions, negative and positive and everything in between, that i can't take so much feeling and i'm falling apart, reverting to what i used to be. "you're so last summer" illustrates most of these emotions on some level, putting into words that maybe i wouldn't have used but they hit home anyway. And you know what that means? It means that every new line of this song brings me closer and closer to tears because I CANT STAND THIS. I'm scaring me again and i havent done that in a while. I don't think i got over anything i think i just put it to the side for a little while but right now i know, oh yes i know that it will all come back and this time im not sure if i can stand up when everything is trying to push me down. I'll fade away again. Hold onto me in your memories and I'll be the person you remember on some level, he'll still exist in still frame fotographs and black and white film clips but i honestly don't think he'll survive the winter. The blood falls and freezes as it falls but the wounds won't freeze over and I'm about to just give up. "Sleeping" sounds so much easier than going on with this stupid, stupid life. Fuck it all i'm going to bed, i hope i'm still here in the morning.

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words @ jake, layout @ kelly