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These are just a few short years.
10:51 p.m. 2003-11-09

You don't understand yet, the dual nature of my eternal (forgiveness/damnation/love). I love you, i love [/you], i love you both and the fact that the loves are different doesn't make one more powerful. And this is starting to scare me, because i know that you want my love for you to be overwhelming and overpowering. And it is, but at the same time it isn't. I've been wrestling with this all week and i've decided to just put this out there, to just show you how i feel and not worry about the consequences.

When the three of us are together, I am afraid of everything i do. If i kiss her, she hurts. And if i talk to her too much, you hurt. Don't tell me that isn't the way it works because i can see.

When i sit down and try to write, i am deathly afraid of every word. Because if i focus on her, you wonder why, and if i focus on you, she feels neglected.

What i'm trying to say is... i feel as though i'm caught in this strangle hold. If its just one of you at a time, i have no trouble because i can show u my love then, different loves and so the way they manifest is different. But when we're all together, or when i'm writing for anyone to read, i can't show either one of you how much i care because neither one of you will let me. This is hurting me because i'm caught in the middle again and if you ask me to choose i'll fall apart. And right now, all we need is to be strong for each other because this is a hard time for everyone.

Anyway, you don't have to talk to me about this or react in any way, just please think about it ok?

Now then, i have things i wanted to tell both of you.

I love you so much and being with you is staggering. I look at you, and i can't look away because something in your beauty and the shade of your skin and the look in your eyes is completely utterly arresting. The feel of you beneath my hands feels like paradise manifest and the feel of you hands on my skin is almost unbearable in its perfection. You tear away my defenses with every word you breathe and i find i want to give you everything. And i love bearing my soul and my tears and my voice for you and feeling... loved for the first time. Thank you for being my miracle thank you for bringing me to life by showing me the other side of myself. Thank you for sharing what you wrote. I love you baby girl

And you. You should know that i see beauty in you, bright lights seem to filter through every movement, every word you write. And i see how badly you hurt, i see it because/despite how open and honest you are in everything you do now. And i understand, everything. Even if its beyond my experience, i understand how badly you're hurting because i hurt when you hurt. Because i hurt when people hurt. I just want you to know that i'm here for you, whenver you need me i'm a strong hand to help you up, or an ear willing to listen, or just a shoulder to cry on. And i want to apologize for te times when i do think that are below what you deserve from me as a friend. Don't give up and don't stop living the way you want to life. Don't fade away, you're strong and we both can see it. You... i want you to know that i love you too.

For god's sakes see it for what it is.

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words @ jake, layout @ kelly