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Tasteless sunset
9:58 p.m. 2003-10-26

Screaming forever I can't breath but I can't let this out because i hold it close to me and let it fuel me. Its all that's kept me alive these years. I thought you would help me and i know you would but FUCK this isn't turning out the way it was supposed to.
(and all i can do is worry that maybe i didn't handle this the right way tonight)
I made her cry tonight because of you. I fucking hate you.
I'm sick and tired of this, i'm sick of you stupid FUCKS chasing money around and making stupid fucked up decisions and ruining my life. Tired of following you tired of feeling displaced and alone and dead inside because you wouldn't let me connect to them. I tried hiding from people and it didn't work. This time i found people who i could love and trust and you're fucking PULLING ME AWAY FROM THEM
I can't even breath can't think can't see straight. But i won't cry, not yet. If i cry, it'll be for her because she deserves all the tears i've hidden because... well because she's beautiful when she cries and because i love her. But i won't cry for you senseless, heartless people, you bastards. I can't help but hate you even though i know u don't mean to kill me again. But that's what you're doing. You're murdering me yet again and i think i'm still helpless to stop you. But this time i won't die without letting you know that i CANT stand what you keep doing to me.
I don't need you... I just need to do whatever it takes to keep ME whole this time. Because I'm tired of walking through life leaving a trail of unfinished lives and broken dreams, dreams you shattered, lives you tore me away from.
You're taking me away from her from them from the first life i've let myself love. AND I WONT JUST SIT HERE AND TAKE IT.

The only thing that i judged in your diaries was your unreasoning hatred for her. You shouldn't hate her, I don't, I don't regret knowing her, I don't regret the imprints she's left on my (heart/soul/mind/life). She was... someone like me, so much like me i couldn't help but love her. Because she understood before i even told her because in the quiet moments i felt her. You just don't understand the connection we shared. please don't hate her.
I dreamed about her last night, by the way. Maybe because you wrote about her and i haven't let myself think about her for a long time. Or maybe because i needed to be reminded that i don't forget even when i want to. It was... i've had a dream very much like it before and they're very important to me, very... symbolic. She's not even in them really, its just her house. I remember every detail of that house even though i was only there a few times. This time i was standing in front of her house looking up and... I thought i saw her in the window. But it didn't matter, i knew she was gone and i went around back and found that actually a new family was living there. Last time i dreamed about her house, i went in through that same window and wound up searching the world trying to find her. I think the dreams are different for a reason, the house is the memories. They're empty now, they still are strong and solid as my memory of the house is, but i'm no longer reaching out and trying to hold onto her, chasing her like i did last time. She's not real to me right now not in this time this place. Maybe someday i'll see her again maybe not but i have other people on my mind now.
so goodbye for now my beautiful broken-winged angel. I'll miss you but i won't forget you.

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words @ jake, layout @ kelly