x newest x older x profile x notes x kelly x poems x diaryland x
P.S. I miss you
11:01 p.m. 2003-10-22

The feelings of forever bending contorting, condensing into a few short hours sometimes its almost impossible to tell time times like these make it impossible to think of anything but you're so far away for now and I can still feel you here still taste you and i can almost hear your voice really it won't be too long before all these illusions crumble and your back with me but i don't think i'll be able to sleep tonight there's too much aprehension tension love fear here but mostly the overwhelming underlying feeling is that tomorrow we'll be

You've got nothing going for you right now and quite honestly i think you like it that way just a little bit but each day we wake up is another day unlike the last and yet every time your eyes open you see the same dull gleam in the world around you and you think that really nothing is changing you lied when you said that maybe you'd be alright you lied when you told yourself you were strong because you are human and you have needs more than some less than others but you have needs just like anyone else and i think that its insane to think you don't deserve to have those needs fulfilled i know what its like to feel ugly inside and outside ugly everywhere i know the feeling of being afraid to step out your door knowing you'll bring that same sense of repulsiveness with you wherever you wonder i'm quite familiar with the concept of being afraid to look at people for fear that they won't like it maybe you know what i'm talking about maybe you don't yet but either way you should know that the feelings are created entirely by your own sense of self loathing and that they have no real basis in fact the only reason people fall is because they lose the will to feel the ground beneath them its all a question of wills and if you want to careen tirelessly into self destruction thats your choice but i'll always be a life line always be a companion i'll always be someone who can relate and who will listen and will ultimately accept whatever you need to do i do think you should know that everyone deserves love and everyone will find it if they aren't closed to it and right now i don't think the door is open but what do i know i'm just a friend always a friend someone who'll look out for you when you need support someone to lean on someone who's willing to carry your burden on top of my own because i'm that strong honestly and i'm someone who'll accept anything and someone who'll let you go if you ever need me to fade away

Like a ghost i slip, untouched, through the lives of men and women boys and girls. Like a mindreader i tell you what you need to hear and mean it because, like the messiah, i love every one of you. Like the liar that i am, i'll never show most of you myself, but like the vulnerable child i am, i'll let some of you in and i'll hold you close. Like the friend you always wanted, i'll stand up for you and back down when you need to be left alone. Like the perfect lover i'll fulfill your fantasies. Or maybe its all just a lie and i'll let you down like the boy you all thought i was

back & forth

words @ jake, layout @ kelly