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6:36 p.m. 2003-10-19

Rambling on thoughts curve like light, invisible to you because the things that you see so clearly in my eyes are always only a fraction of what's happening behind them. There are permanents here, pain, insight, a sense of eternity and strength; all of them are in my eyes, just like my love for her. But there's so much you'll never see, not by looking in my eyes or watching me. There's this insecurity, this sense that i'm different than any of you, which is true and isn't, there's peace, there are thoughts for people i wish i could forget because they aren't a part of my life anymore.

Neither one of you can really understand why i have to forget somethings. My constant relocations and the pain and distance that are central to my life are inexorably tied together. since i've been old enough to really connect with people, i've been moving every few years. My evolution into who i am now really began life before this one, in argentina, when i learned that i could keep myself a secret from people i held dear and they would trust me and we could be friends, but that it wouldn't hurt as much when they left, because they weren't taking me with them. And i was able to let them go, in a sense i've forgotten them. But I still know their names, still remember the hours spent talking, the things we did. But the emotional connects are forgotten, because they were one way links and fell away easily when one of us was displaced. It worked flawlessly.

It won't be so simple this time, if i have to start a new life after this one. Because I've opened up, not entirely, because i'm still afraid, but i have opened up to the two of you. And I love both of you, in different ways, but in both cases, the love is much more substantial than anything i shared with people from past lives. And i don't think i'll be able to forget, to put you behind me. So i have to sit here and hope and pray to a god that was forgotten by mutual consent. This time, i'm not simply able to resign myself to leaving.

I don't think you quite understand my ability to hold more than one thing in my mind at a time. I'm only talking to one of you right now... the one who thinks i don't think about them

back & forth

words @ jake, layout @ kelly