8:04 p.m. 2003-09-29
Ten degrees past sunset, moonshine and starshine blend flawlessly in a girl's eyes. Sunset in the hills, sunrise in the fog, the night comes to life in the city the day after. When the fog rolls over the hills and the sun comes up, a haze of golden light roils angelically around your ankles. Standing on a hilltop in the dim of early morning, people who don't know you but love you anyway all around, looking down into vineyards you can barely spot through the haze, things seem simple.
Walking in the city, streetlights too far apart, twilight dying, there are a million people all around, and millions more looking out their windows. Things seem not too matter then, looking around at familiar faces you don't recognize.
Gathered around in the chill, shorts and a teashirt unable to ward off the wind. The light from two high powered lights and the lonely, somehow distant sound of rock techno music on a man's boombox. A crowd gathered, breath crystalizing in front of your nose, eyes directed downward, heart beating with the music. A man in the center, knelt down over a painting, a dozen spray cans arrayed around. Watch as in minutes this man, mexican gang member most likely looking for spare change in his free time, watch as he bring art to life, bleeding color through his finger tips and finishing a masterpiece in five minutes flat. Twenty five dollars to support this man's zero tax lifestyle. clutching your arms to keep warm, wishing you could do something that way.
Lying in a hotel bed at night, trying to sleep with a thousand thoughts in your mind. Missing her, missing them, thoughts and fears and hopes and dreams mix in a madly swirling mindscape. Filtering out the snores, holding a light over the picture u gave me, wishing i could fall asleep and dream of you. Another sleepless night and tomorrows expectations of manners hanging over my head as i shower myself alive and wonder what I'm doing here.
Sitting amongst a hundred family members i've never met, talking and laughing as if i was paying attention to teh things you said. Thinking of the guitar I'd played only a few hours earlier, trying to hold the strains of the sound in my memory to keep from screaming. Lyrics pound through my veins, shrieking poems and silently serenading me silently shaking me. Silently... killing me. What am i doing here. Why am I wasting my time with these people. I feel so far away. I think I hate all of you.
Listening to you battering them with words, screaming and shrieking your way to their wallets, worming and cringing your way to your own desires, ignoring everything. Watching you little sister, and seeing how its never enough for you. Hoping its just a phase and you'll grow up to be their perfect child. I really have nothing against you because I have nothing against anyone. I just hate the way you treat them sumtimes.
Visions of my weekend visions of my life. Ask me about it and I'll tell you i had a fine time. Judge for yourself. This is life, take the good with the bad