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I can't remember to forget you
11:02 p.m. 2003-09-25

A thousand shattered sillohouettes and not a single one of them mine. A hundred prayers for peace, none of them for me. A dozen people I want to be happy, I'm not one of them. Ten times I tried to help myself and only dug the whole deeper. One boy, content to observe, suddenly thrown into things he can't understand.

Don't waste a thought on me, don't waste a word or a hope that I'll be happy. Because I'm fighting a losing battle here, and all I can think of is what will happen to you when i lose. What is happening to you now because I can't fight hard enough?

I never learned the things every boy should know. I never figured out how to make you happy, how to read the signs and find out what you want. And I'm not good enough, my efforts only get a laugh from you. Thank you girl for this reaffirmation of the only faith I have.

I feel like talking to you would do me some good. I don't know why I can't forget you. But I remember your words. "I wish you were here now. We could just sit and talk and I'd know that you were listening." I wish you were here now, I wish we could sit on benches like we used to. I wish I could call you late at night and hear your voice, like I used to do. But your not here, and I don't need you. I don't need anyone, because there's nothing I really want, nothing I need to survive. I don't even need myself, in fact I'd be better off without.

You have no idea how I feel tonight.

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words @ jake, layout @ kelly