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And one day he woke up and hated life
8:33 p.m. 2003-09-16

I can't stand the love songs, these endless tirades and proclamations of love and how everything else doesn't seem to matter. Why do i hate them? Why do i hate the joyous abandon inherint in such words. By all rights i should long for that feeling, for release and escape, into the arms of a lover, escape from all the problems, all the useless senseless timeless pain. But something in it, something about that feeling scares me, or makes me sick. I can't quite understand the feeling. What have i held on to for so long, what has given me the dark silent strength i needed to take this. Pain gives me the strength to take more pain and it builds and builds and crushes more heavily on these shoulders each day. I should hope desperately for something to remove this burden, but i don't. Perhaps i have grown accostumed to it, or perhaps it has become a part of my nature and without it, something would be missing. I don't know. Maybe something in me knows that I'll never be free of the hurt, that i'll never achieve that feeling of endless, boundless joy. If that's true, then all i'll achieve by loving is keeping the person i love from that same happiness, and I would never wish to do that. Or maybe I just know that somehow, on some level, i'm too dead, too damaged, inside to ever reach that plain, my emotions stop too early.

Or maybe this is all just a waste of time.

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words @ jake, layout @ kelly