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Do you think I'm faking when i'm lying next to you
9:14 p.m. 2003-09-15

hmm i've only been home two and a half hours, but I'm completely and utterly bored and it feels like doing nothing now means i've somehow wasted the day. Won't help to complain about it though.

Once a week is enough

I can taste your innocence, bleeding off you ask you draw closer. Such a beautiful thing, somehow perfect in its naiteivity. And all i can ever do is corrupt it and change it and make it somehow unclean. Your beauty doesn't rub off on me, my ugliness reflects slowly over time, casting a shadow over this treasure.

And you sit there, holding this beautiful creature in your arms, and all u can think about is how this must be a dream. You can't figure out why, not exactly, but something about it just feels... surreal. You look down at her, and her breathing is so slow and you wonder idly, is she sleeping? she's hardly breathing at all. Then she moves and the warmth of her spreads across you like... like an extra blanket in winter, like a drink of cold water in the desert, soothing you, warming you, making you feel alive. You can feel her beneath your fingers, smell her hair, and you're sure your sleeping. But you don't wake up, you just sit there, holding her, fearing that something will snap you from the reverie of the moment. And a part of you is afraid, that someday she'll be far away and you won't be able to be with her anymore. The thing though, in that moment, that worries you most, is that maybe you're not giving her what she wants, maybe you're driving her away, never knowing it. But you can't let those thoughts get to you, because, well because you don't want to spoil the moment, you don't want to be afraid.

"Cuz I'm ugly"

"How do i heal... how am i supposed to heal when i cant... feel time?"

Its never quite what it was supposed to be, or at least, what you were hoping it would be.

"Time and time again, you think about yourself before you think about me"

There's nothing that hurts more than giving everything you have, giving it all to someone, and having them not even notice, not even care. When you give yourself away and never have them acknowledge the sacrifices you made.

I needed you with me, so i could heal, but I needed, even more, for you to be ok. So i dug my hole deeper and bled in the darkness, and watched you heal and dance happily away. I'm glad i did.

Cuz that's what friends are for

"Best friends means"

A friend was talking about how she didn't regret anything. I said i regretted most of my life, and she asked what i meant. When i look back on it, the only the i regret now is that I didn't come to you together enough to give you everything you dreamed about. But if i was healed before i met you, would you have taken an interest?

back & forth

words @ jake, layout @ kelly