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I don't know much, but I just want to make you smile
2:41 p.m. 2003-08-10

I just read a short little entry from a brilliant man on another site, and i was startled by how his few words struck me so strongly. He said that 'nobody wants to be lonely' And i was surprised, because that is something i've thought on before and i've never met anyone who wanted to end up alone. But when i read it for somereason it clicked that i do. Because no matter what other people say or no matter how i try to alter my own perceptions, i see myself as a burden to anyone. Its why i hate looking into people's eyes or standing too close to them, i feel that they don't want to be around me, because i don't want to be around me. And so i figure, that for their sake, i'm better off alone. Aside from that, i also find that i really have no confidence, even though you wouldn't really know that unless i told u. Most people will never know how much i hate it when they look at me.

Another thing he said was that because of people's fear of winding up by themselves, they settle for less than they want, less than they need or deserve. I'll elaborate and say that they give up on their soulmate's for the convienience of security, that they give up on happiness just to know that someone is there, they cease to really care who. Far from giving them all they ever wanted, the person they've settled for is just another object that hurts them when they fall asleep at night, knowing they don't have what could make them happy. Nobody wins, everybody hurts.

That made me think of you. It made me think of how you say all u wanted is someone to love you. You said it like you didn't care who, and I know that that isn't true. You're looking for someone, please don't stop looking because of me, i don't want to hurt you.

Don't settle, don't do what's best for the other guy. In our society, being selfish is full of negative connotations but when it comes to love, the only way to be happy is to be selfish. Man or woman, boy or girl, if u know what you want, don't settle for anything less. Get yours. And if you dont know what you want, don't let anyone latch onto you before you've figured yourself out. Because that'll just end up hurting you.

And don't expect life to be chalk-full of good times and happiness. At best, you should be content if you find a few hours of contentment and a person to share them with. But for the most part, life is bleak. Bleak is in no way bad, in fact you should appreciate the bleakness as much as you appreciate your tranquil moments. Because when you live a life without color, when the paint suddenly spills it will be so beautiful.

And when you are there, at a place where you can finally smile, you'll look back on the coldness. And you'll finally be able to see how it was all worth it and how even the most desperate moments really were perfect miraculous masterpieces, because they all contributed to getting you where you are now. So far away from the troubles, from your pain. When you're finally there, so far away, you'll see that all the struggles weren't in vain.

I hope that if you read this, whoever you are, your mind is open enough that you can see this for what it is and draw your own conclusions. Beacuse they're just words, and a single word can mean a million different things to a million different people.

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words @ jake, layout @ kelly