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9:46 p.m. 2003-07-20

1 my name is jake

2 I started like that cuz everyone else does

3 I have nothing against my name, but i hate my last name

4 Come to think of it i hate my first name too

5 I can speak spanish and compared to spanish english sucks

6 I also play guitar... i'm a guitar god hah

7 I think kelly is beautiful

8 She doesn't

9 I also think she's crazy

10 she says i'm crazy

11 Everyone says that about me

12 I don't care

13 secretly it hurts haha no

14 you don't know anything about me

15 and you won't know anymore when this is done

16 I hate myself

17 but its worse at night

18 I'm ugly and insecure

19 but you would never guess

20 it should be raining

21 or snowing... anything that's cold

22 writing this suddenly seems like a bad idea

23 its too damn long

24 and probably pretty fucking boring

25 I'm obsessed with music

26 Music is the vernacular of human existence

27 What the fuck does vernacular mean

28 i think i should be dead

29 But i don't have the balls to do anything about it

30 its not that its scary

31 just... i think things could get worse for me and i'm looking forward to that

32 That's just sick

33 most people nod their heads and mutter something about insane asylums

34 I don't want to be happy

35 but i want u to be happy

36 and u say u want me to be happy and it gets all tangled up and confused

37 Anyone who likes me is an idiot

38 anyone who talks to me is an idiot

39 i don't feel sorry for myself

40 i feel sorry for u, ur wasting ur time

41 there was this time... at band camp...

42 random people are funny as hell

43 I hate smiling

44 i love to make people laugh

45 but i don't think anything i say is funny

46 can u tell that its all about me yet?

47 Being able to draw is the greatest gift in the world

48 I'm left handed

49 I could sit for hours watching her draw... i miss her so much

50 She was beautiful and she knew it

51 i wonder what it woulda been if i had let myself love her

52 God is a bastard

53 I was christian for most of my life

54 Christianity is too innocent for any christian to ever really be alive

55 I can understand italian and portuguese

56 i knew a kid who spoke 6 languages

57 he was an idiot though

58 It should be required that every college graduate speaks at least two languages

59 i estimate i have a 45 year lifespan

60 cuz i really don't wanna get old

61 and i don't wanna be rich

62 cuz i knew rich kids and i didn't like any of them

63 I'm lucky as hell

64 who would i be if i hadn't been adopted

65 who would i be if i hadn't met her?

66 Who will i be in 10 years

67 i know i'll be a lush

68 or a musician

69 probably both

70 I look smart wearing glasses

71 but otherwise i just look like i did too many drugs

72 which is funny cuz i don't do drugs

73 i should though

74 I wonder if i've changed much in the past 4 years

75 I wonder if you'll ever make sense to me... i doubt it

76 I want to know everything about you... but i'll never ask

77 i like missing you almost as much as i like being with u

78 I what that she was still here it would be good to talk to her

79 Other people are interesting

80 i'm not

81 but i wouldn't rather be someone else

82 i dunno why

83 no dreams means no disappointment

84 and no fulfillment

85 religion is hollow

86 the only thing real is interaction between two people

87 and two guys talking is never interesting

88 i'm scared to tell people they're beautiful

89 cuz i'm afraid it'll offend them

90 even though i think most people love to hear it from anyone

91 love is weird

92 if u talk to me when i'm like this you'd probably think i was fuckd up too

93 at night i sometimes forget to lie

94 i used to think i had mpd

95 i never get sick

96 she wrote a song about him and he couldn't stop singing it

97 he cried for her at night because he felt her pain

98 then she left and he stopped crying

99 and he tells me he's forgotten how

100 a hundred words a hundred lines a hundred lies and every one as golden as the last

back & forth

words @ jake, layout @ kelly